Buy me and sell me...

The first weekend of college football is drawing to a close (not counting a few random-ass Monday games...) So, it's time to play a little stock market college football style.

Time to buy:

• Chase Daniel. He's not my favorite person in the universe, or even in the Milky Way for that matter, but the Mizzou QB sure knows how to put together a touchdown drive. Thank god we're all taller than he is.


• The Mountain West Conference. The conference may have the most bush-league-production-values cable channel I've ever seen (The Mtn., channel 616 on DirecTV, if your clicker goes that high), but boy does it have some gamers this year. BYU, Utah and TCU can actually compete with slightly-better-than-mediocre Big Schools like Michigan. Heck, even the Wyoming Cowboys, with their snazzed out Black-Eyed Susan uniforms, scraped one out against Ohio 21-20 this weekend.


• USC. Freaks of nature, as in amphibious freaky, as in if Michael Phelps was a college football team and the Pac 10 was the 200 'Fly freaky. I reached this conclusion following their utter blendering of Virginia. Rooting for the Trojans is like rooting for yourself in Madden when you're the Patriots and you're playing your younger sister on the "novice" setting.
• LSU's defense. Speaking of beating up your younger sister: Despite losing, like, 200 players to the NFL, the Tiger D pretty much breakdanced on the grave of Appalachian State in Saturday's Pre-Contraflow Bowl.

Time to sell:

• The entire Atlantic Coast Conference, with the exception of Wake Forest and Boston College. For me, a BC alum, the ACC is pretty much the anti-Chase-Daniel: I love it, but it just doesn't perform regardless of how much undeserved Lee-Corso-fed hype it gets. The conference loses four marquee games, topped by Clemson's mutilation at the scissorhands of Alabama's defense. I think we all knew Clemson was the Jayson Blair of college football, but it's revealed even before the first of September? C'mon, Tommy B. Where's the mystery?


• Mike Sherman and Tyrone Willingham. Good luck bringing that welcome basket to Aggieland following Texas A&M's pathetic loss to Arkansas State, Mr. Sherman. Pa - the - tic. Maybe it was all those distracting chants from those Chinese-Army-like Yell Leaders. As for Ty Will of Washington? You say the right things, exude class and can strike a stoic pose for Sports Illustrated any time. The only things you can't do, it seems, is recruit and win in college football.


• Louisville. Oh Bobby "The Drifter" P: Where have you gone? Some crying eyes in The 'Ville (and the second floor of the Mondrian apartments in Uptown Dallas) following a Jim Sorgi-during-preseason-esque performance against in-state rival Kentucky on Sunday. It's not all bad, tho'. I recall seeing 'Ville QB Hunter Cantwell throw a dandy flanker screen on, like, the second snap of the game. Sadly, it was all downhill from there.