Buy me, sell me... Agony meter...

For once, the stock market has been more volatile than sports. Still, there are surprises, especially in the pros: Chicago baseball is in the toilet. The Tampa Bay Rays, once baseball's worst team, is now arguably the best. In the NFL, New Eli looks like Old Peyton, while New Peyton looks like Old Eli. College football has seen ups and downs, as well. Here's what's likely to happen next:

Time to buy:

Tulsa. The 5-0 Golden Hurricane is dropping 50- and 60-spots on opposing teams with their spread offense. Facing a vanilla schedule ahead, look for them to run the table and become the unlikeliest team in the BCS conversation at season's end.

Illinois. If Penn State stumbles, the Illini could be looking at another Rose Bowl berth. Of course, they must first take care of business at Wisconsin and at home against Ohio State. But dynamic QB Juice Williams and Illinois have the talent and coaching to meet the challenge.

Florida State. Better beat them now. This team continues to get better and better, especially on offense. By no means are they there yet, but talent and promise abounds in Tallahassee.

Time to sell:

Vanderbilt. They've earned their Top 15 ranking and I'm rooting for them, the Cinderella that they are. But a difficult conference schedule looms, including games against Georgia and Florida. Here's hoping the magic dust doesn't wear off. I think it will soon.

Oklahoma State. The Cowboys are 5-0 having fattened up on creampuff sandwiches like Troy and Missouri State. Now comes the broccoli of the schedule: at Missouri, at Texas, at Texas Tech and Oklahoma. I sense an onset of indigestion.

Red Sox. I'm as big a fan as any New Englander. But in their series with the Angels, the Sox showed cracks in the armor. Former ace Josh Beckett struggled with his fastball. If that continues, it would leave the Sox with just two solid starters: John Lester and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Meanwhile, I thought the middle of the lineup often failed to get key hits without Manny Ramirez, now a Dodger. Those weaknesses, I think, will prove fatal against the Tampa Bay Rays, a team with solid hitting, pitching and fielding.

Finally, we turn to the tribulations of our alma maters in a weekly feature we call the Agony Meter.

Lots o' agony: Arizona State. The Sun Devils get off to a sour note in conference play with an ugly loss to rival California. Moreover, starting QB Rudy Carpenter is injured. The road doesn't get any easier this week with a trip to USC. A season that began with such promise is slipping away. Now that's agony.

Plenty o' agony: Southern Methodist. A 31-17 loss to Central Florida looks bad on paper because UCF was wiped out by lowly UTEP the week before. Things also are bound to get ugly this week when the Mustangs vie with high-powered Tulsa. But as we all know, tough losses are expected in coach June Jones' first year.

A dash o' agony: Boston College. The Eagles beat N.C. State 38-31, but the score should have been more of a rout. B.C. allowed a punt return for a touchdown, as well as two long touchdown passes. Moreover, three turnovers snuffed out promising B.C. drives. Those missed opportunities don't bode well for B.C. as the team heads into the heart of conference play.

Buy me, sell me...

If only the Fed would bail out West Virginia, Rutgers, Arkansas and Washington from total collapse. Alas...

Time to buy:

Trips to the Downtown Athletic Club if you're USC. The Crystal Ball foresees at least two USC Trojans being invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony later this year: WR Joe McKnight and QB Mark Sanchez. If sports inertia continues, these two will combine for gazillions of touchdowns before December rolls around.

West Virginia. They are in the toilet at 1-2, I know. But they are better than they've been playing. And, aside from a tough home test against Auburn, it's downhill sledding from here. The Crystal Ball thinks Pat White and the boys will get it going soon.

The Triple Option offense. Georgia Tech is using it to great effect in the ACC. The Dolphins used a version of it to surprise the Patriots. Maybe the days of the single wing attack aren't dead after all.

Time to sell:

Patriot defense. I didn't mind the sputtering play of Patriots QB Matt Cassel as much as I did the Dolphins ripping of the Pat D. If you can't stop the Dolphins from putting up 38 on you, the chances for a good season are pretty much slim to none.

The Carrier Dome. Once feared by visitors, the indoor House of Pain for the Syracuse Orange is but a shadow of its former self. When packed, it's the loudest place to play in college football. But with the 'Cuse struggling, the domed stadium these days resembles a YMCA on a Tuesday night.

Connecticut. If only the Huskie football team could freeze time. They're undefeated at 4-0. But the schedule will soon toughen. No more Baylors and Virginias to beat up on. Enjoy your time in the "other votes," fellas. The Crystal Ball senses a bowl in Charlotte.

If I were a Wall Street man, I would short sell...

Cowboys QB Tony Romo. He's an absolute stud, I know. But I get the sense the magic is wearing off a little. Yes, his offensive line is like the Great Wall and he's still eerily calm in the pocket most times. But teams are starting to figure him out. The number of boneheaded plays is on the rise and he always seems pressured to get Terrell Owens the ball. I think it all makes for trouble ahead.

Buy me, sell me.

The stock market is sooo whack these days, but it still ain't as whack as college football.

Time to buy:

Notre Dame. I hate them as much as you do and the QB may have a mullet. But with games coming up against Michigan State, Purdue and Stanford, I like the Irish's chances to be undefeated heading into an October showdown with surprisingly-good North Carolina. Hopefully, we won't all have to stomach another Sports Illustrated-Notre Dame cover by the time late-October rolls around.

Big 12. With last week's Pac-10 struggles, the Big 12 and its stable of solid teams may be the second deepest next to the SEC.

Joe McKnight. Time to jump on the bandwagon before it gets too crowded. It's only a matter of time before the dynamic USC RB (a sophomore!) starts getting mentions for the Heisman.

Georgia. With all due respect to our man Jake, I think Georgia does a woodshed job on Arizona State and reestablishes itself among the elite. The longer the season progresses, the more Georgia's excellent run/pass balance will come in handy. (I will, of course, be rooting for Arizona State.)

Former Arkansas brethren RBs Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Yes, I put Mr. McFadden, now a Raider, on my "sell" list last week. But on Saturday he looked like a different runner and slashed through the Chiefs for 164 yards on 21 carries. Jones of the Cowboys, meanwhile, torched the Iggles for an ungodly amount of kick return yards. The duo is legit. (Where was it all during January's Cotton Bowl, fellas?)

Time to sell:

Rutgers football. The team is an 0-2 mess. Construction on a stadium expansion is over-budget and delayed. The coach's contract is being scrutinized. The Legislature is calling for an investigation. The team is losing TV games left and right. And the natives are growing restless. The unofficial Rutgers motto is "Keep Choppin'." I hear choppin' alright. Timber.

Coastal property. It's far too risky in this "Inconvenient Truth" Era to own a house along the Gulf or Atlantic coasts. If only there were a place in this country immune to disasters. Bucks County, Pa.? Vermont, perhaps? New York State's Finger Lakes? The search continues...

If I were a Wall Street man, I'd short sell....

Wake Forest. I'm telling you right now. They're good, but they're not that good.

Ohio State. You think things were bad against USC? Here's an early prediction from The Crystal Ball: Ohio State faces a possible upset this Saturday against Troy.

Tampa Bay Rays. See Wake Forest.

Any publicly-traded insurance company. If A.I.G. can bite it, so can Travelers, Chubb, Citigroup, etc.

Buy me, sell me...

A second weekend of football is in the books, so here's another edition of the stock market college football style.

Time to buy:

The resume of Skip Holtz, coach of East Carolina. Which soon to be coaching vacancy will he snag? The one at Washington? Bobby Petrino's perhaps, once the Pig Sooey coach starts getting his hat handed to him in SEC league play? How about at Louisville where Steve Crapthorpe, excuse me, Kragthorpe, is under fire because The 'Ville used to be good and is no longer?

Pac 10 Conference. West Coast football right now is as good as East Coast football is bad. Frankly, the Pac 10 is the only thing standing between the SEC and Dr. Evil-like domination.

Jimmy Clausen's new "mullet." I am all about the Notre Dame QB's attempts to capture the Joe Dirt demographic. Buy a million shares, I say.

Ohio State bashers. Your week in the sun is coming. It will feel like Christmas morning for Bucks Bashers Saturday night when OSU go to L.A. and lose their football virginity.

Jay Cutler and the Denver Broncos. Watching Jay manage the offense shows this team is ready to burst onto the scene in the post-Tom Brady era. Let's hope that the Bronco D, which is mediocre at best, can hold out.

Time to sell:

East Coast football. Contrast, if you will, the atmosphere of Saturday's Connecticut-Temple game with Texas-UTEP. For the Temple game in Philly, there were, literally, about 1,500 fans in the stands at kickoff. In El Paso, there were that many people at the hot dog stand and sitting atop that crazy-ass rock formation just behind the Sun Bowl. And UTEP is supposed to blow chunks this year. Point is, there is no contest. Rutgers and Syracuse and Boston College and Pittsburgh can pour as much money into their programs as they want to and they still won't draw like a 6-6 Texas A&M team. Call it karma, call it passion, call it people-on-the-East-Coast-have-lives-and-people-in-College-Station-don't. Call it whatever you want. I've finally made peace with the fact that East Coast teams, particularly Northeast teams, are the Kansas City Royals of college football. But, in a sense, that's the way it should be. Because every Connecticut-Temple game that is played makes those USC-Ohio State games that much more special.

Wake Forest. It's only a matter of time before Wake gets the smackdown from somebody. You can't live on misdirection, lucky calls and the two-minute drill forever.

Florida. They're good, there's no doubt, especially on defense. But from what I saw in their game with Miami, I sense the Gator offense may struggle this year, especially when Tim Tebow is forced to pass. Given the strength of the SEC this year, I see that scenario playing out multiple times.

Speaking of Florida's passing attack, let's also sell Tim Tebow's throwing motion. It ain't a javelin, Timmy. It's a football. Heisman winner? Sure. But boy does he have one awkward-ass throw.

Fantasy football owners who drafted Tom Brady high up. And then there's the guy in my league who drafted both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning back-to-back. We all thought he was a total loser at the time.

Darren McFadden. Maybe it was first-game jitters. But compared to teammate Justin Fargas, McFadden, the Oakland first rounder and former Pig Sooey He-Man, looked stuck in the mud. The Raiders even installed a version of the Wild Hog Formation, but McFadden looked tentative in it. It's too early to reach any conclusions, but might it be that Matt Forte of Chicago, Felix Jones of Dallas, Chris Johnson of Tennessee and Steve Slaton of Houston all have better pro careers than Mr. McFadden? Call it the I-rode-the-LSU-game-to-the-Xbox-360-cover curse.

Buy me and sell me...

The first weekend of college football is drawing to a close (not counting a few random-ass Monday games...) So, it's time to play a little stock market college football style.

Time to buy:

• Chase Daniel. He's not my favorite person in the universe, or even in the Milky Way for that matter, but the Mizzou QB sure knows how to put together a touchdown drive. Thank god we're all taller than he is.


• The Mountain West Conference. The conference may have the most bush-league-production-values cable channel I've ever seen (The Mtn., channel 616 on DirecTV, if your clicker goes that high), but boy does it have some gamers this year. BYU, Utah and TCU can actually compete with slightly-better-than-mediocre Big Schools like Michigan. Heck, even the Wyoming Cowboys, with their snazzed out Black-Eyed Susan uniforms, scraped one out against Ohio 21-20 this weekend.


• USC. Freaks of nature, as in amphibious freaky, as in if Michael Phelps was a college football team and the Pac 10 was the 200 'Fly freaky. I reached this conclusion following their utter blendering of Virginia. Rooting for the Trojans is like rooting for yourself in Madden when you're the Patriots and you're playing your younger sister on the "novice" setting.
• LSU's defense. Speaking of beating up your younger sister: Despite losing, like, 200 players to the NFL, the Tiger D pretty much breakdanced on the grave of Appalachian State in Saturday's Pre-Contraflow Bowl.

Time to sell:

• The entire Atlantic Coast Conference, with the exception of Wake Forest and Boston College. For me, a BC alum, the ACC is pretty much the anti-Chase-Daniel: I love it, but it just doesn't perform regardless of how much undeserved Lee-Corso-fed hype it gets. The conference loses four marquee games, topped by Clemson's mutilation at the scissorhands of Alabama's defense. I think we all knew Clemson was the Jayson Blair of college football, but it's revealed even before the first of September? C'mon, Tommy B. Where's the mystery?


• Mike Sherman and Tyrone Willingham. Good luck bringing that welcome basket to Aggieland following Texas A&M's pathetic loss to Arkansas State, Mr. Sherman. Pa - the - tic. Maybe it was all those distracting chants from those Chinese-Army-like Yell Leaders. As for Ty Will of Washington? You say the right things, exude class and can strike a stoic pose for Sports Illustrated any time. The only things you can't do, it seems, is recruit and win in college football.


• Louisville. Oh Bobby "The Drifter" P: Where have you gone? Some crying eyes in The 'Ville (and the second floor of the Mondrian apartments in Uptown Dallas) following a Jim Sorgi-during-preseason-esque performance against in-state rival Kentucky on Sunday. It's not all bad, tho'. I recall seeing 'Ville QB Hunter Cantwell throw a dandy flanker screen on, like, the second snap of the game. Sadly, it was all downhill from there.